You're A Douche
by GrandpaJoeProductionFanfiction
Summary: Set after "A Childhood To Remember." The song is a parody of the musical number "You're A Douche" from the "Two and A Half Men" episode "Grab A Feather And Get In Line." After completing one of many difficult meetings with a world leader, Kimi Finster and her colleagues go to a local park to watch a show lampooning Ronald Thump, the President of the United States of Thump.


Kimi Finster found herself in the city of Ottawa, the capital of Canada. Since the Secretary of Defense, Michael Kabadaian, arrested every single person who opposed or could easily get rid of President Thump, the country fell down a dark path. Thump brought back the classification system popularized by the Nazis, the majority of the population had to wear armbands with specific symbols and numbers to classify them. Like many people, Kimi couldn't take the stress of being treated like a second-class citizen in her own country and have to deal with all of her previous responsibilities. Luckily, she was able to get her friends who were in hiding far away from Thump. Unfortunately, the story eventually got out, but fortunately again; nobody really believed the story after a few weeks of the revelation. Most people thought it was just another wild fabrication by the Thump propaganda machine meant to distract the public from the collapse of society.

Once this problem had passed, she was confronted by Jeffrey Petersen, a colleague of hers. Jeffrey told her that he was part of a secret underground movement to restore freedom and order to the country, the Resistance. He would lead a local branch of the Resistance, one of many loosely connected branches spread across the country, but he needed someone to lead his delegation on various missions. Each branch would send a delegation of a few representatives around the world in order to gain support from other nations. The delegations would request military support from every country they visited. Kimi agreed to lead the delegation and found herself heading for Seattle the next day, leaving a special someone behind. One of Jeffrey's Seattle contact helped Kimi and the rest of the delegation sneak across the border into Canada. Even though Thump gained much support for his hardline stance on "securing" the southern border, Deplorables, the most loyal Thump supporters began to patrol the northern border for Americans who were fleeing to Canada.

The ingenuity of Jeffrey's contacts managed to sneak Kimi and her delegation across the border to Canada. The Seattle contacts had set up a safe house in Vancouver for Kimi's delegation, as well as for the delegations from San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, and Honolulu. For the next few days they prepared their region's demands into simple documents to be presented to every official that they encountered. The Canadian government was kind enough to grant them temporary passports so that they could travel around the developed world. At the end of the week, the delegations in Vancouver flew out to Ottawa and met up with other delegations from around the country. While each member helped organize their region's stances, only the leaders of the delegations got to meet Canadian Prime Minister Robert Bouchard.

Bouchard was a handsome, young, bright, and well, just a decent human being, everything Thump wasn't. He was gracious enough to grant every delegation member a Canadian passport, but he wasn't going to join this conflict because some people came to him and asked. By the end of the meeting Bouchard and the delegation came to an agreement, one that every world leader the delegation met with agreed to, if the so-called Resistance shut down Thump's nuclear weapons then the world leader would go into the country and take Thump out. Kimi thought that the terms were ridiculous, how could a group of normal people shut down an entire arsenal of nuclear weapons? Nevertheless, she reported to Jeffrey the terms the delegations and Bouchard agreed to. Jeffrey told Kimi that other local leaders had informed him of the terms. He too believed that it was a long-shot, but he had faith in the Resistance.

After communicating with Jeffrey, Kimi could not believe what she had gotten herself into. When she went to law school, she always thought she would prosecute people hunting endangered species, not negotiating international deals. She was scheduled to fly out to London with the rest of the delegations the next day, but she needed to relax. Luckily, Tim Marino, a delegation member from New York City, invited her and other members to a show being put on by Americans in the park a few blocks from the hotel. Tim had light skin, dark hair, and brown eyes and was about the same age as Kimi. Since it would be nice to just sit down and watch something, Kimi decided to go to the park and watch the show. When they arrived the park was full of spectators. Kimi asked what the show was about and Tim told her that it was a short satirical musical about Thump. It seemed that no matter where Kimi went, Thump was always around her.

The play started a while after Kimi had arrived at the park. When the curtains were pulled up two actors portraying Thump and Angelica appeared on stage. This reminded Kimi of hearing Drew and Charlotte saying that they had not heard from Angelica for a while a few days before leaving to Canada. Seeing someone portray Angelica also made Kimi feel ashamed for spending so much time with the real person all these years. The show stared with Thump and Angelica walking down a city street discussing why so many people hate Thump.

"How is it that more than half of American's dislike me?" Thump said as the actor mimicked the real man's ridiculous hand gestures.

"Well, I don't let low approval ratings get me down. I always said that a show based on my life would be the best thing ever but everybody tells me that it's a stupid idea. I say that it could start with my days in Preschool when I established myself as the great person I am today and they always tell me it wouldn't last more than four episodes," Angelica replied.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Angelica, I am great. I'm telling you, those polls are rigged, like the election. Oops, don't tell anybody that. But, I can prove everybody loves me, I'll ask those guys over there," Thump said as he pointed to a group of actors standing on the left side of the stage.

"Fine, why not. But after this, can we talk about my show? We can air it on _TEN_." Angelica asked as she followed Thump.

Thump and Angelica approached the group, and Thump asked them, "Hey you, what do you think about me, Ronald J. Thump? I'm the greatest, aren't I?"

One man in the group took a deep breath, and replied, "Do you really want to know how we feel about you?"

Thump nodded and the man said, "Very well, do you know what I think about you?"

At that moment a song began to play, the song was about to commence.

"You're a douche, you're a douche, just a big freakin' douche," the man sang.

"You destroyed two and a half centuries of Democracy," another man in the group replied.

"You're a douche, you're a douche, just a big freakin' douche," the woman in the group sang.

"You should have stuck to trolling your _Twitter_ enemies," the fourth man added.

"But I was my campaign's sole owner, not bound by donors. People love that about me," Thump sang trying to defend himself, even though even he knew it was a lie.

"You spoke of building walls, not bridges, and that motivates a lot of racists," Angelica sang suggesting the answer for why people would hate Thump.

"Thank you Angie, but even I'm not stupid enough to hire you," Thump replied.

Thump and Angelica turned to face the crowd, signaling a "you-get-it" moment. It was another jab at Thump, calling him stupid for appointing Angelica to the position of Attorney General.

"Let me be straight, your campaign ran on hate," a different man sang to Thump.

"Your admiration of dictators is a problem," another man suggested.

"You said Mexicans engage in sexual aggression," a stereotypical Mexican woman wearing a frilly white dress sang.

"And Muslims celebrated on Nine-Eleven," a Muslim woman wearing a hijab replied.

"That explains why California's 37th district representative asked for an evaluation," Angelica pointed out.

"Psyche evaluation, that is!" Exclaimed a Black woman portraying the congresswoman.

"You're a douche, you're a douche, just a big freakin' douche. Everything you say is a lie. You're a douche, you're a douche, just a big freakin' douche," an entire group of people, who began to dance, sang.

"But you're still a useful puppet, for the time," added a shirtless man with a Russian accent portraying Russian President Vasily Patrushev while riding a Horse.

"Thank you," Thump added.

"So what should I do so you won't be my only classy supporter?" Thump asked Angelica as the group of people danced around them.

"Well, first of, thank you. But I would say there is only one thing to do. Why don't you start acting more like how a leader should? " Angelica suggested.

"Eh, no," Thump replied, choosing to be his degenerate self.

"If everyone would just shut their traps they would see how great I am," Thump sang.

"By the way, shorten your nuclear stockpile by half," Vasily commanded Thump.

"Excuse me, take no offence, but I must ask this simple question; What makes you think you can just call the shots?" Angelica asked.

"'Cause I'm Russian," Vasily replied as he broke off to do his dance.

"They hacked the DNC," the group sang, reminding the audience of Russia's interference.

"Yes I'm Russian," Vasily replied again.

"Not to mention the election," the group sang, reminding the audience of how far Russian meddling went.

"I'm Russian," Vasily sang.

"Or as his propagandists would say," the group sang.

"Hey, don't forget, America invaded Iraq," men dressed in suits, portraying anchors from Russian-ran news networks that demonized the west whenever Russia did something terrible to make the latter nation seem innocent, sang.

"Excuse me, but we're getting off topic. You wouldn't accept this happening inside a cockpit. Can we talk about the greatest jewel? Can America love me and accept my rule? " Thump sang while the group mocked his movements.

"A better word to describe you would be 'tool,'" another man replied as he passed.

"So basically," Angelica added.

"You're a douche, you're a douche, just a big freakin' douche. You'll probably die sad and alone. You're a douche, you're a douche, just a big freakin' douche," sang the group as they broke into another dance number.

"Hold on, Kabadaian's calling me on my phone," Thump said, stopping the music.

"Hello, Kabadaian" Thump asked as he held his phone next to his ear.

"Yeah, more people think you're a douche," a voice of someone portraying Kabadaian replied before hanging up.

"Douche, douche, douche, douche, douche, douche, douche, douche. Doooouche, you're a douche, oh, what a douche," a smaller group sang as the music came back on.

"People just seem to blabber, calling me a big ol' 'pussy-grabber.' They don't know the mess they're in, I'll teach them all a lesson," Thump began to sing in a more irritated tone.

"But we all agree. Oh yes, we all agree. But you'll never accept it, you'll never accept it," the group replied as they danced.

"Give me a D-O-U-C-H-E, douche. Give me a D-O-U-C-H-E, douche. Give me a D-O-U-C-H-E, douche," the group sang.

"Chorus!" Angelica screamed, leading to everyone getting in position for the final verse of the song.

"You're a douche, you're a douche," every person sang as they started to dance in a circle around Thump.

"I'm not a douche!" Thump exclaimed, wailing his arms like the real man would do if he was being humiliated like this.

"Just a big freakin' douche, and that's all you'll ever be," the group replied.

"You're a douche, you're a douche," the group sang.

"I'm not a douche!" Thump exclaimed once again, making fun of the real man's ego since he couldn't take the slightest form of criticism.

"Just a big freakin' douche, and that's all you'll ever be," the group sang as they pointed their right arm and index figure upwards.

"Douche!" The group exclaimed as they brought down their arms and pointed their fingers at Thump from all directions, ending the song.

Once the song ended, the entire cast came to the stage and received a standing ovation from the audience. Kimi and the rest of the delegation members left the park and headed back the hotel. She thought a lot about what she had just heard; at first she thought that maybe the show went too far, but then she remembered a quote from former President Theodore Roosevelt.

"The President is merely the most important among a large number of public servants. He should be supported or opposed exactly to the degree which is warranted by his good conduct or bad conduct, his efficiency or inefficiency in rendering loyal, able, and disinterested service to the Nation as a whole. Therefore it is absolutely necessary that there should be full liberty to tell the truth about his acts, and this means that it is exactly necessary to blame him when he does wrong as to praise him when he does right. Any other attitude in an American citizen is both base and servile. To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public. Nothing but the truth should be spoken about him or any one else. But it is even more important to tell the truth, pleasant or unpleasant, about him than about any one else."

While the play accused Thump of many things, the accusations were correct; he did say Mexican immigrants were rapists, he did say Muslims celebrated on Nine-Eleven, and he did say since he was rich he could grab women's genitals without their consent. In short, Kimi truly realized Ronald J. Thump is a douche, no doubt about it.


End file.
